Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson writes more when he posts fragments than when he waits till it's done. Go figure.
Wed Oct 11, 2006 at 09:09:51 pm EDT

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The Baroness, Part 46B -- A bit more of Beth's plot against Liu Xi and friends
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The Baroness, Part 46B -- Trouble in the Corridors of Power

"Doch der Horizont erdunkelt, Ross und Reiter loesst sich los," the Baroness sang sotto voce as she stalked up the corridors.

A thought halted the recitative. Pulling a Zemo multiencryptophone from her belt, Elizabeth glanced around for some privacy. The long second floor corridor seemed endless, lined with locked private bedrooms and an occasional steel vault door labeled "Lab storage - Keep Out, Al B." or "NTU-150 Playroom - EXTREME DANGER!!!" or even "Space Ghost Soiled Laundry - CLASS 6 BIOHAZARD 99.9999% Rated Isolation Suits Only."

She hurried down the hallway and turned into the north wing, hoping for some cover. After a moment, Elizabeth noticed an alcove with a large bay window, occupied by a large, potted, willow-like tree. Perfect, she thought, and slipped behind it, thumbing a speed dial number.

"Lundqvist!" the Baroness barked.

. . .

"Don't bother me with excuses now. Run a dimensional transfer scan on these coordinates." She rattled off a series of characters.

. . .

"I don't care about Sir Mumphrey Wilton's orders. Does he pay your salary? Does he keep your kids safe?"

. . .

"Good. I expect an answer in ten minutes. Call me back on this number."

. . .

"Of course you won't get in trouble. This is official Lair Legion business, you dolt."

Citizen Z shut her phone with a brisk click. Let's see how the little Asian mystic's voodoo does against a full ITC analysis and a couple of gigajoules of warp power. She then attempted to step around the tree and discovered the first of the two mistakes she had made. Her ankles were enwrapped in long, tentacle-like fronds. As she stopped to ponder this, another tentacle wrapped around her right arm, immobilizing it.

"Drat!" Elizabeth snarled, struggling forward. She managed to get alongside the pot, where she could read a plaque out of the corner of her eye: "Faerie Weaving Willow -- Exercize Caution -- Avoid Prolonged Contact. Gift of Visionary, 2006."

Of course it's his!! One more thing I have to get him for! Her left hand went for her utility belt, but the slow-moving plant had nevertheless snared it also. More fronds glided toward her abdomen. Those aren't so bad. Hee, hee? Oh, no, I' m ticklish there! Got to get to the belt with my toes!

A few minutes later Flapjack strolled up to the alcove and lurched to a halt, eyes wide and mouth agape. Citizen Z was writhing in a net of leafy vines, arms strapped to her sides, a bare foot raised to her waist, contorted to scrabble ineffectually at the vines half covering her belt, and laughing manically.

Flapjack took immediate action. Out came his digital camera; FLASH, FLASH, FLASH and FLASH it went.

"Would the Mistress mind lifting her leg just a bit higher?" he wheezed.

"Hee, hee . . . N.n.n. . . No!" Elizabeth replied in a strangled voice.

"Pity. It would make a superb crotch shot, begging the Mistress's pardon."

"Giggle . . . gasp . . . Snort . . . GET . . . Ha-ha, ha-hee-hee . . . muh . . . m-me . . . out of here, you per, perverted . . . stop taking those pictures! . . . homunculus!

"Ooh, abuse," he shuddered in pleasure. "More, more."

"Ah-huh, ah-huh . . . Soulless cretin! Hee, hee, hah, hah. . . Snort . . . Warped spawn of a spavined water buffalo! Uh."

"You knew Mother!" the Carpathian major-domo exulted.

Five minutes later Citizen Z was freed and celebrated by giving Flapjack a boot in the rear as soon as he had helped her don her boot. The lackey was properly appreciative. As for Citizen Z, in her hurry to leave she failed to observe a second sign in the corridor: AI INTERNMENT FACILITY AHEAD. ALL ELECTRONIC SIGNALS MONITORED.

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen:

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People




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